![]() ![]() I had fallen in love with gore movies ( Final Destination, Saw and Psycho ), sad songs, and whatever depressing thing I could think of. I wasn’t going to feel pain anymore, I just wasn’t. That’s where I started shutting the door on my emotions. But I guess I’d have to deal with it now. You know, I realized, I don’t really care anymore! I’m not pretty enough, I’m not good enough. A month later, I found out I had not made it into the play, when I got home, I told her the news and said “It doesn’t matter. My mom found ways to comfort me, but they lasted for only a limited time. I told her about how a fellow classmate once let me drink out of his water jug, and I was nervous because I expected him to be frightened and disgusted after I would do so. I talked to my mom about it, and just cried. I had totally forgotten what peace had felt like, and was never calm. The voices were haunting me every minute of my life, I wasn’t still. The last time I did, I auditioned for a play. And for the longest time in my life, I stopped crying. Later on, not only did my insecurities grow more and more, but I also learned to disregard my emotions. And though I was a strong Christian, and I knew those whispers were Satan’s lies, I’d believe them because to me, they sounded so true. ![]() I could never be real, never be loved, never be accepted. I began viewing myself as a monster, no longer a soul, A robot. I was always cautious of how I moved, spoke and acted because I thought a single mistake could scare people away. And those aren’t even half of the things I’d hear from day to day. “You’re worthless.”, “You’re fat.”, “You’re a monster.” they’d say. What used to lie inside my head turned into whispers, and from whispers- voices. I’d do everything to stay away from crowded places so people wouldn’t be disgusted whenever I’d pass by. That didn’t matter to me at all, but as time passed by, I got sicker and sicker. Those girls who could say the most hurtful things yet still be the Belle of the ball. Lucky were the ones who never had anything to feel insecure about, who’d go around and get everything they wanted anywhere, anytime. ![]() Something only a few of us grow out of or overcome, as the rest just have to deal with it. As the insecurities kept growing, rushing in at me, at first, I thought it was a part of life. Before doing so, I’d have to pray I’d actually look okay. Seeing myself in the mirror was nerve-wracking. Love wasn’t what it was to me no more, and words were NEVER meant. Several months ago, ( and I do mean SEVERAL ) happiness was a myth. ![]()
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